How Encouraging Language Helped a Reddit Parent Reduce Tantrums by Half.

Parenting subreddits often function as crowdsourced laboratories—places where thousands of caregivers compare what works, what backfires, and what quietly transforms family dynamics. One recent discussion focused on tantrums in toddlers, and a comment that gained traction came from a parent who reported something remarkable: after switching from evaluative praise (“You’re so good!”) to specific, encouraging language (“You worked hard to calm down”), their child’s tantrums were reduced by nearly half.

Although this sounds like a simple linguistic shift, the underlying mechanism is well-supported by decades of research in developmental and educational psychology. The improvement didn’t come from “magic words,” but from a method that aligns with what we know about motivation, emotional development, and self-regulation.

⭐ The Core Concept: Specific Praise vs. Evaluative Praise

Many adults grew up hearing praise that focused on identity:

• “Good job!”
• “You’re such a good girl.”
• “You’re so smart.”

This is known as evaluative praise, because it evaluates the child as a whole person. While it sounds positive, studies have shown that evaluative praise can create pressure to maintain the label and may not help children understand what they actually did well.

In contrast, specific praise—sometimes called process praise or descriptive encouragement—focuses on the child’s effort, strategy, or observable actions. Examples include:

• “You kept trying even though it was difficult.”
• “You asked for help calmly.”
• “You stayed with your puzzle until it fit.”

This aligns with evidence-based practices used in Montessori education, positive parenting programs, and growth-mindset research.

⭐ Why Specific Praise Works Better (What Research Shows)

Specific, encouraging language is effective because it helps children:

1. Build internal motivation.

When praise focuses on effort or strategy, children learn that outcomes are influenced by what they do, not who they “are.” This supports a growth mindset and increases persistence.

2. Strengthen self-regulation.

Naming concrete actions (“You took a breath and asked for help”) helps the child store those actions as tools to use in the future.

3. Feel seen and understood.

Describing what the child actually did makes the interaction feel genuine, increasing connection and trust.

4. Learn emotional vocabulary.

When parents describe behaviors and emotions accurately, children internalize language for describing their own experiences—a key factor in reducing tantrums.

⭐ The Reddit Story: What the Parent Changed

In the Reddit thread, the parent described a familiar pattern: their toddler became overwhelmed easily, and any transition or frustration led to explosive crying. They realized their go-to response after the child calmed down was:

• “See? You’re being good now!”
• “You’re such a good boy when you listen.”

These comments unintentionally created pressure—making calm behavior feel like something the child had to maintain to stay “good.”

So the parent changed their approach to specific encouragement. Examples included:

• “You took a deep breath when you felt upset.”
• “You told me what you needed instead of yelling.”
• “You moved to the couch to calm your body.”
• “You tried again after the first attempt didn’t work.”

What happened next was gradual but significant. The child began repeating the same phrases during stressful moments—“I need to calm my body”—and tantrums became shorter and less intense. Within weeks, the parent estimated tantrums had dropped by roughly half.

⭐ Why This Improvement Makes Sense

This result aligns with findings across multiple fields:

• Developmental psychology shows that children internalize the language adults use about emotions and behavior.
• Self-regulation research highlights that naming coping strategies makes them easier for children to remember and use independently.
• Growth-mindset studies indicate that praising effort leads to greater resilience during frustration.
• Parent–child interaction research repeatedly finds that specific praise reduces oppositional behavior and increases compliance.

Nothing about the story is unusual—many parents report similar improvements when they adopt more descriptive and less evaluative language.

⭐ What Specific Praise Sounds Like in Everyday Parenting

Here are real, practical examples that parents can start using immediately:

Instead of:

“Good job calming down.”
Try:

“You put your hands on your tummy and breathed slowly.”

Instead of:

“You’re so smart!”
Try:

“You figured out a different way to solve that.”

Instead of:

“You’re being good now.”
Try:

“You used gentle hands when you touched your brother.”

Instead of:

“You’re such a big girl!”
Try:

“You carried your plate to the sink all by yourself.”

These statements give children clear information about the behaviors they can repeat.

⭐ How Specific Praise Reduces Tantrums

Specific praise supports the skills required for emotional regulation:

• noticing the feeling,
• naming it,
• choosing a coping tool,
• and returning to calm.

By narrating these skills as they happen, the adult reinforces them, which increases the likelihood the child will use them again. Over time, children rely less on emotional outbursts because they’ve learned effective alternatives.

⭐ Tips for Parents Wanting to Try This

1. Notice effort, not results.
2. Describe actions, not personality traits.
3. Label strategies (“You asked for a break”).
4. Keep tone calm, not sugary.
5. Avoid comparisons (“You behaved better than yesterday”).
6. Use the child’s words when possible to reinforce self-awareness.

Small linguistic changes can have disproportionately large effects.