​Permission to Prioritize Your Marriage: Why It’s Not Selfish to Invest in Each Other​

When you become a parent, your world shifts tremendously. The needs of your child are urgent, constant, and non-negotiable. It’s easy—and common—to feel like everything that matters should revolve around the baby. But here's a powerful truth: ​prioritizing your marriage isn’t selfish. It’s essential—not just for you as a couple, but for the health and longevity of your family.

Putting effort into your relationship doesn’t mean you love your children any less. In fact, many experts and real parents argue that investing in your marriage because of your kids can create a stronger, more stable foundation for your entire family.

​Why Prioritizing Your Marriage Really Matters​

​1. Your Relationship Is the Foundation of the Family​

A key reason parents should prioritize their marriage is that it creates a healthy relational environment for children. When the “between-us” space is loving, playful, and emotionally rich, children internalize a blueprint of what healthy intimacy and companionship look like. If your relationship becomes purely about function—managing chores, parenting logistics, and survival—without time for emotional or romantic connection, your children may grow up thinking that partnerships are transactional rather than relational.

​2. Long-Term Investment in Your Happiness​

Your marriage predates your children—and, ideally, will continue long after they leave the nest. Investing in each other now means building a partnership that lasts, not just as co‑parents, but as lifelong companions. Think of your marriage as a long-term relationship project. Just as you plan for your child’s future, you also need to plan for your “us” future. When you intentionally nurture your bond now, you create emotional reserves that can carry you through the highs and lows—not just of parenting, but of life.

​3. Modeling Healthy Relationships for Your Kids​

How you treat each other in marriage sends deep messages to your children. When they see you respecting, supporting, and prioritizing each other, they learn that love is not just a feeling—it's a choice. By maintaining your bond, you teach them the value of commitment, communication, and mutual care. These are powerful lessons, more impactful than any lecture about relationships—they’re what a healthy relationship feels like.

​4. Parenting Stress Is Easier Together​

Parenthood brings intense stress: lack of sleep, shifting roles, and daily chaos. Research shows that couples who neglect their emotional connection are more vulnerable to conflict and distance. When you prioritize your marriage, you also create space to support each other emotionally. You can problem-solve together, share burdens, and validate how hard it is—making the load feel less heavy on each individual.

​Real Parents Are Saying It, Too​

In online parenting forums, numerous parents echo this mindset shift: the importance of making their spouse a first priority. For example:

“Many studies … say making your marriage/partner relationship a priority … is the key to long-term happiness … If you are plating food, plate your spouse’s food first … the kids will remember that … you kissed each other first.”

Another parent reflected on how this dynamic shapes family memory:

“Now that our older son has graduated … we spend more quality time together … some say if you make kids a priority and don’t do date nights … once the kids grow up there is nothing left of your marriage … I 10000% disagree … It’s only made us stronger.”

These stories reveal a powerful undercurrent: caring for your relationship isn’t optional—even as parents. It’s what sustains you both.

​How to Give Your Marriage Permission to Take Priority (Without Neglecting Parenthood)​​

Balancing marriage and parenting isn’t easy—but it’s possible and profoundly worthwhile. Here are actionable strategies to make room for your relationship, even when life feels full.

​1. Schedule Couple Time, Just Like You Schedule Everything Else​

• Use a shared calendar to block out time for ​date nights, even if they’re “at-home” moments.
• Be deliberate: you may need to plan around nap times, bedtimes, or other family rhythms.
• Make it consistent: weekly or biweekly rhythms help create predictability and priority.

​2. Protect Your Space and Boundaries​

• Set boundaries around work, parenting, and couple time. Decide when you're “on duty” as parents and when you're “just partners.”
• Consider making your bedroom “adult-only time” when possible: no screens, no parenting logistics—just the two of you.
• Use small gestures: prioritize greeting each other first in family settings, or take time to connect before fully switching into parenting mode.

​3. Talk About It Openly​

• Acknowledge that parenting changes things, and voice your desire to protect ​your relationship. Research shows that a significant percentage of couples experience a drop in relationship satisfaction after having a child.
• Share how you feel: “I miss us,” “I need more connection,” or “I worry we’re losing each other.”
• Set up regular “check-ins” to revisit how you’re doing—emotionally, practically, and relationally.

​4. Lean on Rituals and Small Acts of Love​

• Create simple rituals that keep intimacy alive: morning coffee for two, evening check-ins, or a weekly “us” walk.
• Use physical affection: hugs, hand-holding, or small touches help remind you both of your connection, even when you're busy.
• Celebrate small wins: thank each other, notice when your partner steps up, and express appreciation.

​5. Get Help if You Need It​

• Don’t be afraid to ask for support—whether from family, friends, or a therapist.
• Consider couples therapy if you feel disconnected or if priorities have shifted in major ways.
• Read and learn: resources like relationship blogs, therapy books, or couple workshops can help you see your marriage as a long-term project, not just a side effect of parenting.

​Overcoming the Guilt: Mindset Shifts That Help​

Giving yourself permission to prioritize your marriage often comes with guilt. Here’s how to reframe that guilt into healthy motivation:

• ​It’s not neglect—it’s strength.​​ Investing in your marriage isn’t about ignoring your kids. It’s about showing them what healthy love and partnership look like.
• ​You’re not depriving your children—you’re empowering them.​​ A strong parental relationship gives your kids a model of commitment and care.
• ​You deserve recharge, too.​​ Your relationship is part of your identity, not just a vehicle for parenting.
• ​The long game matters.​​ The investment you make now pays dividends: more resilience, deeper connection, and a more stable emotional future—for both of you and for your family.

​Final Thoughts​

Prioritizing your marriage after having kids isn’t selfish—it’s one of the bravest and most loving things you can do. It builds a foundation of trust, connection, and emotional strength that benefits not just you, but your entire family.

When you make room for each other—when you protect your “us time,” communicate honestly, and nurture your bond—you’re not taking away from parenthood. You’re enhancing it.

Your marriage is a gift. Letting it thrive means giving your child the best possible home: one built not only on care and provision, but also on love, respect, and mutual devotion.