The Psychology of Attraction: What Reddit and Research Reveal

Attraction is one of those human experiences that feels instantaneous yet deeply mysterious. We may feel “drawn” to someone for no obvious reason—a glance, a smile, a presence. But beneath that intuition lies a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and social dynamics. In a Reddit thread titled ​​“Psychology of attraction”​​ on ​r/psychologyofsex, users explore how much of attraction is physical versus psychological, the role of scent, and whether attraction is merely superficial or something more profound.

In this post, we’ll examine:

• Key insights from Reddit users
• Foundational psychological theories of attraction
• The interplay between physical and psychological attraction
• Practical takeaways for applying this knowledge

Insights from Reddit: Scent, Dual Modes, and Subjectivity

Several themes emerge from the Reddit discussion, offering real-world perspective on how attraction operates.

The role of scent and chemistry

One user shared:

“I’ve met many men who were conventionally quite hot … but their scent made me nauseous … these were guys who were showered and date ready.”

This highlights that attraction involves subconscious sensory cues beyond visual appearance. Olfactory signals—whether from natural scent or pheromones—can powerfully influence attraction without conscious awareness.

Another commenter added:

“Men in general have a weaker sense of smell than women, so that could be accounting for some of the discrepancy.”

This suggests basic sensory differences may shape how individuals experience and prioritize attraction cues.

Dual “modes” of attraction: physical vs psychological

One user proposed a two-mode model:

“First is physical attraction. … Then there’s psychological attraction … The physical attraction is attraction to the body, the psychological attraction is attraction to the mind.”

This distinction aligns with psychological models: initial attraction often begins with sensory and visceral responses, while sustained attraction develops through emotional connection, shared values, and compatibility.

Diversity and subjectivity

Several Redditors emphasized the variability in what people find attractive:

“The most important thing to remember, IMO, is that variety is the norm.”

This reminder underscores that there's no universal formula for attraction—individual preferences vary widely based on personal experiences, cultural background, and psychological makeup.

Psychological Theories of Attraction

Several theoretical frameworks help explain the mechanisms behind attraction.

1. Reward Theory of Attraction

The ​Reward Theory of Attraction​ suggests people are drawn to those who provide positive, rewarding experiences—essentially, we like people who make us feel good.

When someone consistently offers enjoyment, validation, or comfort, we associate them with positive reinforcement. This explains why factors like proximity, reciprocity, and similarity enhance attraction: they increase opportunities for rewarding interactions.

2. Misattribution of Arousal

​Misattribution of arousal​ occurs when physiological arousal from non-romantic sources—such as exercise, fear, or excitement—is misinterpreted as attraction. For example, meeting someone after an adrenaline-filled activity might make the encounter feel more intense than it actually is.

This phenomenon highlights how context can influence our perception of attraction, sometimes independently of genuine compatibility.

3. Physical and Sensory Cues

Physical appearance significantly influences initial attraction, with features like facial symmetry, healthy appearance, and expressive body language serving as quick visual assessments. Beyond sight, sensory inputs like voice tone, touch, and scent contribute to the overall impression.

As highlighted in the Reddit discussion, scent compatibility can override visual appeal, demonstrating the multisensory nature of attraction.

4. Similarity, Reciprocity, and Cognitive Matching

Once initial attraction is established, psychological factors deepen the connection:

• ​Similarity: Shared values, interests, and lifestyles facilitate understanding and reduce relational friction.
• ​Reciprocity: Mutual interest tends to amplify attraction through positive feedback.
• ​Cognitive matching: People often extrapolate from small similarities to assume broader compatibility.

One related Reddit thread noted:

“Research finds that people with a less well-defined sense of self are less selective … High self-concept clarity is linked to prioritizing similarity in a potential partner & greater confidence.”

This suggests self-awareness helps individuals seek partners who genuinely align with their values and personality.

The Interplay: From Spark to Sustained Attraction

Attraction typically evolves through stages, with different factors gaining prominence over time.

1. ​Initial spark​Sensory inputs—appearance, scent, voice, energy—create first impressions that trigger attraction.
2. ​Emotional resonance​Deeper interaction reveals compatibility through humor, vulnerability, shared perspectives, and emotional attunement.
3. ​Reinforcement cycles​Positive experiences strengthen attraction through reward mechanisms, building association between the partner and positive feelings.
4. ​Narrative construction​People develop stories about their connection (“we just click,” “they understand me”) that solidify the attraction psychologically.
5. ​Long-term sustainment​As novelty fades, factors like trust, emotional safety, shared goals, and growth become crucial for maintaining attraction.

Discussions about why attraction fades over time often point to the diminishing role of novelty and the increasing importance of psychological compatibility.

Practical Implications: Applying This Knowledge

Understanding attraction’s mechanisms can help you approach relationships more intentionally.

1. ​Cultivate sensory presence​Attend to grooming, scent, posture, and voice tone. Authenticity matters more than perfection—over-polishing can feel artificial.
2. ​Foster emotional connection​Practice active listening, empathy, and vulnerability. Create space for genuine sharing and mutual understanding.
3. ​Be aware of context​Recognize when external factors like excitement or stress might be influencing your perception of attraction. Differentiate between temporary arousal and lasting compatibility.
4. ​Clarify personal values​Self-awareness helps you identify what truly matters in a partner. Knowing your own priorities makes it easier to recognize genuine alignment.
5. ​Build consistent positive interactions​Small, consistent gestures of kindness and reliability reinforce attraction through reward mechanisms over time.
6. ​Allow attraction to evolve​Accept that initial intensity naturally transforms. Focus on building depth, shared meaning, and emotional intimacy for lasting connection.

Conclusion

The Reddit discussion on the psychology of attraction offers valuable insights into this complex human experience. Attraction involves multiple layers—sensory, emotional, cognitive, and narrative—that interact dynamically over time.

While physical appeal often opens the door, psychological connection sustains attraction long-term. By understanding these dynamics, we can approach relationships with greater awareness, intentionality, and capacity for genuine connection.