Reddit Parents Are Ditching Rewards and Threats — Here’s What They Use Instead

For decades, parents have relied on rewards and threats to get children to behave: stickers for completed chores, candy for good grades, or the looming threat of punishment for misbehavior. But many Reddit parents are reporting a shift away from this approach. Instead, they are embracing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and intrinsic motivation, helping children act out of understanding and empathy rather than fear or expectation of a reward.

The results? Cooperation, emotional intelligence, and long-term problem-solving skills that rewards and threats often fail to cultivate.

Why Rewards and Threats Often Backfire

While rewards can create short-term compliance and threats may provoke immediate obedience, both approaches can have unintended consequences:

• Focus on external incentives: Children may only behave when a reward is present.
• Reduced intrinsic motivation: Over time, kids may lose interest in doing the right thing for its own sake.
• Escalation of threats: Punishments can breed resentment, defiance, or anxiety.
• Weakened parent-child trust: Children may feel controlled rather than understood.

Reddit parents increasingly report that these strategies rarely foster genuine cooperation or understanding.

What Reddit Parents Are Using Instead

Instead of rewards and threats, parents are turning to needs-based communication, empathy, and collaborative problem-solving. The core idea is to tap into intrinsic motivation, helping children understand why their actions matter and how they affect others.

1. Naming Feelings and Needs

Parents reflect both their own feelings and the child’s emotions:

• “I feel worried when the toys are left on the floor because I need safety in the house. How are you feeling about cleanup?”
• “I notice you’re frustrated with homework. I want to understand what’s making it hard for you.”

By connecting behavior to needs, children learn that actions have purpose and meaning beyond external rewards.

2. Inviting Collaboration

Instead of commanding, parents ask children to co-create solutions:

• “What can we do together to make cleanup easier?”
• “How might we structure homework time so it feels manageable?”

This builds problem-solving skills, respects autonomy, and fosters intrinsic motivation.

3. Encouraging Reflection

Parents encourage children to consider the impact of their actions:

• “How do you think your sibling felt when the toy was taken?”
• “What could you do differently to make things fair?”

Reflection strengthens empathy and teaches children to act from understanding rather than external incentives.

4. Modeling Intrinsic Motivation

Reddit parents emphasize that children learn by example:

• Completing household chores without expecting praise.
• Demonstrating calm conflict resolution and empathy.
• Showing how actions align with personal values and family needs.

Modeling intrinsic motivation encourages children to internalize similar behaviors.

Real-Life Reddit Examples

• One parent reported that after switching from sticker charts to needs-based discussion, her 6-year-old started taking initiative with chores without reminders or incentives.
• Another shared that her teenager began voluntarily helping a younger sibling after a conversation about empathy and fairness, rather than because of a reward.
• Many parents noted that children became more reflective, cooperative, and emotionally aware once intrinsic motivation replaced extrinsic incentives.

Tips for Parents

1. Pause before offering rewards or threats: Consider if intrinsic motivation could be cultivated instead.
2. Name feelings and needs: Connect behavior to emotions and values.
3. Invite collaboration: Allow children to propose solutions.
4. Encourage reflection: Ask open-ended questions about consequences and fairness.
5. Model intrinsic motivation: Demonstrate caring, empathy, and responsibility through your own actions.

The Takeaway

Rewards and threats may create immediate compliance, but they rarely foster long-term understanding or cooperation. Reddit parents are finding success by tapping into intrinsic motivation through empathy, needs-based communication, and collaborative problem-solving. This approach helps children learn why their actions matter, develop empathy, and take responsibility—resulting in genuine cooperation, stronger relationships, and emotional intelligence that lasts a lifetime.