Why “My Message” Works Better Than Lectures, According to Reddit Dads 🗣️💡

Parenting can sometimes feel like a constant lecture. “Do your homework! Clean your room! Stop arguing!” Many parents default to repeating instructions or giving long explanations to get kids to listen. But as Reddit dads have shared, lectures often backfire, creating resistance, frustration, and stress.

Instead, a technique called “My Message”—derived from Nonviolent Communication (NVC)—can transform parent-child interactions. This approach teaches parents to express their needs and feelings without blame, fostering cooperation and connection.

Why Lectures Often Fail ⚡

Lectures might seem logical, but research and real-world experiences highlight why they’re often ineffective:

• Children tune out: Long explanations overwhelm or bore kids, making them less likely to listen.
• Triggers defensiveness: Blame or criticism (“You always…”) prompts resistance rather than compliance.
• Focuses on control: Lectures emphasize authority, not understanding.
• Escalates stress: Both parent and child feel tension, making it harder to resolve conflicts.

Reddit dads report that even a few weeks of habitual lecturing can erode connection, turning simple tasks into daily battles.

What Is a “My Message”? 📝

A “My Message” is a brief, structured statement that communicates:

1. Observation – What you notice without judgment.
2. Feeling – How the situation affects you emotionally.
3. Need – Why it matters to you.
4. Request – What you would like the child to do, framed as a choice.

Unlike a lecture, a My Message is concise, empathetic, and focused on connection rather than control.

Step 1: Start With Observation 👀

Begin by stating what you notice factually, without judgment.

Examples:

• “I see your homework isn’t done yet.”
• “I notice your toys are still on the floor after playtime.”
• “I hear loud voices in the living room.”

Key point: Avoid phrases like “You never…” or “Why are you always…?” These can trigger defensiveness.

Step 2: Express Your Feeling 🏷️

Share your emotional response without blaming the child.

Examples:

• “I feel worried…”
• “I feel frustrated…”
• “I feel concerned…”

Using “I feel…” statements keeps the focus on your experience, reducing the chance of the child feeling attacked.

Step 3: Identify Your Need 💡

Explain the underlying need behind your feeling. This helps your child understand why the situation matters.

Examples:

• “…because I need homework to be done on time so you have free time later.”
• “…because I need a safe and tidy space for everyone in the house.”
• “…because I need everyone to feel calm and respected in this room.”

Sharing your need makes the interaction collaborative rather than confrontational.

Step 4: Make a Clear Request 🎯

End with a specific, doable request, framed as a choice when possible.

Examples:

• “Would you start your homework now, or would you like to take a five-minute break first?”
• “Can you put the toys away before dinner?”
• “Would you like to use soft voices in the living room, or go outside for a minute?”

A clear, respectful request encourages cooperation instead of resistance.

Real-Life Example From Reddit Dads 🌟

Before My Message:

“Clean your room! I’ve told you a hundred times! You never listen!”

After My Message:

“I notice your clothes are still on the floor. I feel stressed because I need a tidy space so we can find things easily. Would you be willing to put your clothes in the hamper now, or after a five-minute break?”

Result: Instead of escalating conflict, the child responds more willingly, and the parent feels calmer.

Why Reddit Dads Recommend My Messages

• Reduces repetitive arguing.
• Strengthens emotional connection with children.
• Models empathy and emotional regulation.
• Turns conflict into problem-solving rather than power struggles.
• Helps children understand the reason behind expectations, not just the rules.

Even a week of consistent My Messages can noticeably reduce tension and improve cooperation in households.

Tips for Practicing My Messages 📝

• Keep it short: Focus on one observation, feeling, and need at a time.
• Practice self-awareness: Pause before speaking to notice your own stress.
• Use neutral tone: Calm, steady voice reinforces connection.
• Acknowledge the child’s feelings: “I hear that you’re frustrated that homework is boring.”
• Start small: Use My Messages in one area first, like morning routines or homework.

Final Thoughts 🌱

Lectures may feel like a shortcut, but they often deepen resistance and frustration. Reddit dads show that My Messages—expressing needs without blame—work better because they focus on connection, clarity, and collaboration.

By practicing observation → feeling → need → request, parents can transform everyday conflicts into opportunities for empathy, understanding, and cooperation, creating a calmer and more supportive home.